Thieving Bastards

Email from me to my coworkers. Company wide broadcast. I think it speaks for itself.

Dear Thief,

You have defiled the sanctity of my workspace; I can no longer labor in unperturbed peace and tranquility. You have thrown a rock into a still pond; kicked a sleeping dog; whizzed on the electric fence.

You stole my trash can.

If returned promptly there will be no (or perhaps minimally hostile) questions asked. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter, and I hope your thieving heart keeps you awake with the tell-tale knock of the damned.

Thanks in advance-