Friday, January 28, 2005


My head is light and fluffy and resonating with pain as well. I hate this feeling. Withdrawal. Apparently my mental fortitude is not as strong as I'd like to believe. This is the worst day. The second day is the worst; everybody knows that. Somewhere inside my body is trace amounts of this garbage and it is crying out to be fed. I can end this torture. All it would take is a trip to the nearest vending machine for a bottle of Pepsi.

Yeah, so what, I'm addicted to caffeine. Not even high levels of caffeine like coffee or Red Bull or pills. Just one 16-20oz bottle of that sticky sweet brown magic. It's a damn good thing I'm not trying to kick heroin or meth; I'd be addicted forever. There are people who try to quit smoking or lose weight and they have it far worse than I. I know that. But knowing that does shit for my headache right now.

Weekend is finally here. Not that I'll be able to stop and rest like last weekend (thank you snow-storm), but I won't have to wake up for the other job until 10:30 or so. Which is a marked improvement from 5:45.

Big day coming up. The 6 month anniversary. Hard to believe that I've already been married for half a year. It's flown by. As much as I want to progress and have a house and kids and the whole spread, I'd trade anything to make time slow down. I don't want to miss a single detail.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Lay 'er down and smack em yack em!

How many roads must a man walk down?

I've been reading Richard Branson's book, Losing My Virginity, and it inspires me to aspire (not a typo) to being an adventurous billionaire. Having that much money would surely be a pain in the ass, having to count and recount and guard it all. But if you look below the surface, tucked into the shadowy recesses, there is an upside to having more money than you could ever spend: freedom. Freedom to punch stupid people in the mouth and spend the day floating in a suspension of liquid butter. I'd commission a VW Touareg sized golf cart with a cow-catcher on the front and drive through the mall. I'd rent out a golf course for the summer and not play once, just so I could sit there and watch people get pissed off.

Alas, I am not an adventurous billionaire. To be honest, I'm not even a billionaire. Not even close. I've got the payment on the Jetta, the rent for the apartment, and one or two or thirty thousand dollars in student loans to pay back. My accountant, Ray F. at Jackson Hewitt, has been crunching some numbers for me and it looks good. I should be a billionaire by the end of the year, provided that I don't do anything foolish like eat or put gas in the car.

Now for the bad news. I've gained ten pounds since I started this desk job. That's a lot for me. I've been, nay--I was the exact same weight for about five years. This sudden heft is indirectly proportional to my suddenly static nature. Perhaps the sandwich bags full of cookies and pretzels (to get me through the long morning) aren't helping.

I used to run a lot; typically after some act of youthful vandalism. Running while laughing hysterically probably burned even more calories. So many good times, so many stories that I can't wait to tell once I'm sure the statute of limitations has expired. What else is there to do with a bathroom sink left on the side of the road?

And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon...

Monday, January 17, 2005

How I'll Never Be...Anything I Hate

Some guy had a nail gun backfire and lodge a 4 inch nail into the roof of his mouth and up into his skull. The best part? He didn't even know it happened. Apparently he got a toothache and went to the dentist. The ensuing x-ray displayed a long piece of metal, commonly referred to as a nail, within his face. This may have prompted him to replay that nail gun incident in his head (bad pun intended).

I'm in my third week at the new job. Huh, glancing down I see that I forgot to make an entry since that first interview. Suffice to say, I'm now salary. Don't need your stinkin' tips no more. Except on weekends. I still wait tables on Saturday and Sunday so we can buy a nice birthday gift for my dad and a flat panel TV for ourselves. We are excellent consumers. Top-notch. When they talk about economic drivers...that's us.

Kevin and Jenny had their baby on the 12th. Alec Christopher. Yes, that makes his initials ACC. We like basketball. Especially ACC basketball. (We're not going to talk about the UNC-Wake game). Anywho, he was 5lbs, 4 ounces, and quite healthy despite being 5 weeks early. I become Uncle Mike for the third time.

As the lunch break draws to a close, I'm reminded of a famous quote. I do not wish to share it with you at this time.