Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Michael Vick and Other Assholes

At the gym today, I was trapped watching (through closed captioning) either an ESPN show featuring Kevin James and Jessica Biel debating something about Dwayne Wade, or a CNN loop which included a piece on dogfighting. They were kind enough to show an actual dogfight, but not the stand-up citizens in attendance. If they are sick enough to go to these things, why not broadcast their sick-fuck faces all over the world. They should be happy to get on tv for something other than a paternity test.

I don't know if Michael Vick is guilty. I don't care. His actual guilt or innocence is merely plus-one or minus-one piece of shit human who doesn't deserve the air they breathe. Anyone remotely involved in dog-fighting should be shot in the neck and left to die. Period. End of discussion.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Can't Wait For Hairspray To Hit Theaters!

Because it will mean I'm one day closer to the end of those commercials with John Travolta in a fat suit. 'Twil be a glorious, joyous day.

I'd also like to salute the nascent genius who concocted the wildly original concept for "Who's Your Caddy". Slobs versus snobs at a country club? What a great idea (tagline), though it was better when Caddyshack came up with it twenty-odd years ago. And, checking plot outline from IMDB, I see the rap mogul main character is from Atlanta, but can't get into a conservative country club in the Carolinas. Why does it have to be in the Carolinas? Are there no ultra conservative, racist country clubs in Georgia? I'm looking at you, Augusta National.

Friday, July 06, 2007

In Today's Penis Enlargement Email...

It's hard to imagine the conversion rate for the hordes of penis enlargement emails coming from former soviet states and other eastern bloc IP's. If you're sending to millions at a time, how many click through to your site?

Well, there's one thing I'm sure of: you could be doing a lot better. Punch up the writing a bit and stop leaving money on the table.

Phrases like "Now your phallus will be in the center of all womens eyes, and you will fill yourself like a Real Man!" don't hit home. I like the use of phallus; it's a classy touch and classy guys, such as me, appreciate that. Being the center of all womens eyes may sound nice, but what does it really mean?

As for filling myself (like a Real Man), well, it's starting to sound like work, and I'm just not in the mood for that. I'm reading your email in search of a quick fix; if I was interested in doing work I might as well address the glaring personal flaws and emotional depth charges waiting to detonate. And why is Real Man capitalized like a proper noun -- is there a recognized group of Real Men I'm being compared to? If so, I'd consider trademarking the name as a show of legitimacy. But that's me.

However, lyrical majesty such as, "Be ready to any imagination!" is clearly perfect - don't mess with success.

I'm thinking, with my skills, I could find some really gainful employment over there. I would settle into some nice hovel and polish copy bound for millions upon millions of email users. I'd be famous. No, wait, I'd be infamous.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Bringing out the big guns.

Yes, this is a shamefully cute picture of my dog, Jersey. The little scamp stole into our lives this past December via the Durham APS. Early estimates pegged her as an Akita, then Corgi, and even Chow(?!). I guess we'll never know how she or her three sisters ended up in the shelter.

Since there was no interest in a bear-killing Akita, the pups didn't get much attention until their pen was re-labeled "Corgi". As a marketer, I can attest to the power of a label. After some basic google research, my best guess is Basenji mutt. She has the exact head and neck structure of the barkless East-African hunting dog, but she managed to retain a plenty loud bark. Her color does suggest some sort of shepherd influence.

She is decidedly smart, which is, to say, that she evaluates requests based on her potential benefit. Yes, she weighs the pros and cons of obeying my order before doing so or merely walking off. Her most powerful trick is those manipulative puppy dog eyes.

Well, she seems to have topped off at 36lbs and a healthy "medium sized" label. Her first couple weeks were marked by the violent sickness which followed eating our butterfly bush. The overdose of medication from the vet had an even worse effect, making a punch-drunk, stumbling puppy which nobody was sure would recover. Horrible holiday season, wondering will my puppy live to see the new year. Thankfully, she came out of her stupor the day after xmas and steadily improved into the energetic little shit she has become.

The house will never be the same.

Click HERE to see more pics of Jersey and the rest of my gallery.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Brilliant Drivel?

Check out the wicked bad corporate speak I came up with for our networking referral push:

The network is an important commodity these days; seemingly ubiquitous telecom commercials extol the power of their network and social networking websites are more popular than ever. Whether you manufacture routers or sell widgets, leveraging the potential in your network makes smart business sense.

Pretty slick for a film major...hopefully it won't spill over into my script.

Wedding Season

Those older, and potentially wiser, than I will snicker in delight to hear how wedding season has descended upon me. I agree, I should have seen this coming. Apparently one's mid to late twenties are reserved for painful career realizations and an expensive string of wedding invites.

This year's slate includes two good friends and one cousin. I already had to pass on another cousin's nuptials back in April due to work conflicts (and the fact it was being held in Orlando on Easter weekend).

Wedding #1
Mike and Mary. Early August. The wedding is in Buffalo, which means I'll spend every waking second before and after the ceremony/reception driving around the city at top speed to visit the various relatives I've not seen since xmas.
Upside: great friends, happy to be there for them
Downside: whirlwind weekend with no rest

Wedding #2
Lou (Chris) and fiance. Early October. Detroit. DETROIT?!? WTF? I've never been to Detroit - had this wedding not come up, I would probably never go to Detroit. Cousin Lou, who goes by Chris (note to self: resist urge to call him Ludacris), is marrying a girl from Michigan. Before telling me how awful I am for not knowing her name, consider the facts: Lou/Chris is only a year or two older than me, grew up less than five miles away from my house, yet I never met him until I was in my mid twenties because of a family grudge. How's that for dysfunction?
Upside: participating in a family event
Downside: Detroit in October, participating in a family event

Wedding #3
Kyle and Erin. Late October. This lovely couple takes me to Canton, Ohio, for their special day. Umm, yeah.
Upside: wonderful couple, all the friends staying in one hotel will mean trouble (read: fun)
Downside: it's in Canton, Ohio, and all the friends staying in one hotel will mean trouble (read: trouble)

We'll see if the checkbook and/or mental fortitude will be there to propel me through the upcoming schedule. I'm sure I'll take some nice pictures which I can then sell to my friends for intensely marked up "materials" fees. So it's not a total loss.