Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Michael Vick and Other Assholes

At the gym today, I was trapped watching (through closed captioning) either an ESPN show featuring Kevin James and Jessica Biel debating something about Dwayne Wade, or a CNN loop which included a piece on dogfighting. They were kind enough to show an actual dogfight, but not the stand-up citizens in attendance. If they are sick enough to go to these things, why not broadcast their sick-fuck faces all over the world. They should be happy to get on tv for something other than a paternity test.

I don't know if Michael Vick is guilty. I don't care. His actual guilt or innocence is merely plus-one or minus-one piece of shit human who doesn't deserve the air they breathe. Anyone remotely involved in dog-fighting should be shot in the neck and left to die. Period. End of discussion.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I Can't Wait For Hairspray To Hit Theaters!

Because it will mean I'm one day closer to the end of those commercials with John Travolta in a fat suit. 'Twil be a glorious, joyous day.

I'd also like to salute the nascent genius who concocted the wildly original concept for "Who's Your Caddy". Slobs versus snobs at a country club? What a great idea (tagline), though it was better when Caddyshack came up with it twenty-odd years ago. And, checking plot outline from IMDB, I see the rap mogul main character is from Atlanta, but can't get into a conservative country club in the Carolinas. Why does it have to be in the Carolinas? Are there no ultra conservative, racist country clubs in Georgia? I'm looking at you, Augusta National.

Friday, July 06, 2007

In Today's Penis Enlargement Email...

It's hard to imagine the conversion rate for the hordes of penis enlargement emails coming from former soviet states and other eastern bloc IP's. If you're sending to millions at a time, how many click through to your site?

Well, there's one thing I'm sure of: you could be doing a lot better. Punch up the writing a bit and stop leaving money on the table.

Phrases like "Now your phallus will be in the center of all womens eyes, and you will fill yourself like a Real Man!" don't hit home. I like the use of phallus; it's a classy touch and classy guys, such as me, appreciate that. Being the center of all womens eyes may sound nice, but what does it really mean?

As for filling myself (like a Real Man), well, it's starting to sound like work, and I'm just not in the mood for that. I'm reading your email in search of a quick fix; if I was interested in doing work I might as well address the glaring personal flaws and emotional depth charges waiting to detonate. And why is Real Man capitalized like a proper noun -- is there a recognized group of Real Men I'm being compared to? If so, I'd consider trademarking the name as a show of legitimacy. But that's me.

However, lyrical majesty such as, "Be ready to any imagination!" is clearly perfect - don't mess with success.

I'm thinking, with my skills, I could find some really gainful employment over there. I would settle into some nice hovel and polish copy bound for millions upon millions of email users. I'd be famous. No, wait, I'd be infamous.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Bringing out the big guns.

Yes, this is a shamefully cute picture of my dog, Jersey. The little scamp stole into our lives this past December via the Durham APS. Early estimates pegged her as an Akita, then Corgi, and even Chow(?!). I guess we'll never know how she or her three sisters ended up in the shelter.

Since there was no interest in a bear-killing Akita, the pups didn't get much attention until their pen was re-labeled "Corgi". As a marketer, I can attest to the power of a label. After some basic google research, my best guess is Basenji mutt. She has the exact head and neck structure of the barkless East-African hunting dog, but she managed to retain a plenty loud bark. Her color does suggest some sort of shepherd influence.

She is decidedly smart, which is, to say, that she evaluates requests based on her potential benefit. Yes, she weighs the pros and cons of obeying my order before doing so or merely walking off. Her most powerful trick is those manipulative puppy dog eyes.

Well, she seems to have topped off at 36lbs and a healthy "medium sized" label. Her first couple weeks were marked by the violent sickness which followed eating our butterfly bush. The overdose of medication from the vet had an even worse effect, making a punch-drunk, stumbling puppy which nobody was sure would recover. Horrible holiday season, wondering will my puppy live to see the new year. Thankfully, she came out of her stupor the day after xmas and steadily improved into the energetic little shit she has become.

The house will never be the same.

Click HERE to see more pics of Jersey and the rest of my gallery.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Brilliant Drivel?

Check out the wicked bad corporate speak I came up with for our networking referral push:

The network is an important commodity these days; seemingly ubiquitous telecom commercials extol the power of their network and social networking websites are more popular than ever. Whether you manufacture routers or sell widgets, leveraging the potential in your network makes smart business sense.

Pretty slick for a film major...hopefully it won't spill over into my script.

Wedding Season

Those older, and potentially wiser, than I will snicker in delight to hear how wedding season has descended upon me. I agree, I should have seen this coming. Apparently one's mid to late twenties are reserved for painful career realizations and an expensive string of wedding invites.

This year's slate includes two good friends and one cousin. I already had to pass on another cousin's nuptials back in April due to work conflicts (and the fact it was being held in Orlando on Easter weekend).

Wedding #1
Mike and Mary. Early August. The wedding is in Buffalo, which means I'll spend every waking second before and after the ceremony/reception driving around the city at top speed to visit the various relatives I've not seen since xmas.
Upside: great friends, happy to be there for them
Downside: whirlwind weekend with no rest

Wedding #2
Lou (Chris) and fiance. Early October. Detroit. DETROIT?!? WTF? I've never been to Detroit - had this wedding not come up, I would probably never go to Detroit. Cousin Lou, who goes by Chris (note to self: resist urge to call him Ludacris), is marrying a girl from Michigan. Before telling me how awful I am for not knowing her name, consider the facts: Lou/Chris is only a year or two older than me, grew up less than five miles away from my house, yet I never met him until I was in my mid twenties because of a family grudge. How's that for dysfunction?
Upside: participating in a family event
Downside: Detroit in October, participating in a family event

Wedding #3
Kyle and Erin. Late October. This lovely couple takes me to Canton, Ohio, for their special day. Umm, yeah.
Upside: wonderful couple, all the friends staying in one hotel will mean trouble (read: fun)
Downside: it's in Canton, Ohio, and all the friends staying in one hotel will mean trouble (read: trouble)

We'll see if the checkbook and/or mental fortitude will be there to propel me through the upcoming schedule. I'm sure I'll take some nice pictures which I can then sell to my friends for intensely marked up "materials" fees. So it's not a total loss.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Jeep Grand Cherokee vs Toyota 4Runner

I've recently had the experience of taking several road trips in rental vehicles and thought it was time I share my feelings with the world. I have not looked at the specs for either; I don't know the horsepower or cubic feet of storage. This is based on feel over stats.

The Jeep was used for a 12 hour NC to NY drive, while the Toyota made the shorter 9 hour voyage to NJ - both trips gave me plenty of wheel time to evaluate the SUV's. I suppose I should add a disclaimer acknowledging that these were rentals, and perhaps mistreated. Onward!

Engine - Slight edge to the Jeep. The 4Runner seemed to work a lot harder getting up to freeway speed. The Jeep was also had a bit more grunt leaving the stoplights.

Handling - Jeep wins decisively. The Grand Cherokee showed far less lean and provided far greater road feel through the steering. I felt much more in control, hence, safer. The Toyota felt far more top heavy than the Jeep, and steering was pretty uncommunicative. Both drove like trucks, but one (Jeep) felt far safer.

Style - This is purely subjective, but I'd take the Jeep any day of the week. The slanted rear window may have cut into carrying capacity but the outward lines were very pleasing. The 4Runner was a little boxier, a lot more bland.

Interior Comfort - Hard to pick a winner in this category. Both had decently supportive seats and a nice driving position. The 4Runner did, however, have annoying orange gauges.

Cargo - This might be an unfair comparison as I seriously loaded up the 4Runner. It did seem to have more room, probably due to the vertical rear gate rather than Jeep's previously mentioned slanted window, but I had to remove the third row seat to take advantage of it. Because I'm an overgrown 9 year old, I jumped in the third row seat to see how it felt. I would feel terrible strapping a stuffed animal into these things, let alone a child. This is not a seat. They were also a pain in the ass to put back in. Granted, it was my first time attempting to do so. So, 4Runner bigger, but took more work to exploit the size.

Other - I give the Toyota big points for the powered window in the tailgate. I subtract even more points for having an archaic footbrake rather than a handbrake. Might seem trivial to you, but I hate those fucking things. The Jeep offered a direct input for the iPod, which obviously scored well with me. The 4Runner did not, but played mp3 cd's, which meant I had to specifically burn a few mp3 discs for the trip. Not a big deal, but plugging in the iPod is so much easier.

Verdict - I'm obviously picking the Jeep. Not even a close comparison. I was expecting the Japanese half of this comparison to do so much better...yet I was wrong. Toyota is becoming rather bland. GM kind of bland. And I should give credit to the team at Jeep - this is a truck I would definitely consider buying.

Keep an eye out for my luxury rental showdown: Cadillac vs Lincoln.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I Made a YouTube video, how 2.0 of me!

Holy crap. I've made a video on youtube. We got our new Big Bronto and held some sort of pagan inflation ritual. Pretty typical Tuesday.

Monday, June 04, 2007

In Search of Greatness

A life of import, of value - giving more to the world than I take. This is what I want. Is this what everyone wants?

I wonder if most wish for a simple life of family and comfort, an enjoyable string of moments with friends and loved ones, only rarely punctuated by the tragic and harsh realities of being a modern being. What do they, "the most", really want?

And what of the others, those who will be known far and wide as having donated a piece of their being to the rest. Is it real, genuine, sincere? Or are the great contributors nothing more than a collection of insecure ego-maniacs desperate to defeat death, their own mortality, by creating an indefatigable legacy? Was Ghandi unsure of himself, lacking the paternal love and affection he needed? Am I a great contributor to-be, or merely a delusional everyman bearing dreams of greater weight than my motivation and talent can carry?

The seeking of fortune is hardly unique; it is the hunger for prestige which eats my brain.

Rant inspired by this recent post.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Duke, Why I Hate Thee So...

February 7th was a personal holiday, as is Marth 4th. Carolina vs Duke, right vs wrong, good vs evil. At least that's the way it feels.

As I paced my living room and hurled obscenities at Carolina's inability to deny wide open 3's, I realized how much I hate Duke. Where does this come from?

It started, in part, alongside my contempt for Notre Dame. The children of my Buffalo (NY) suburb bought up all the Notre Dame hats and Starter jackets they could get their grubby little digits on. Why? Why support a bunch of catholics in Indiana? You're not going there for school, you'll probably never even visit South Bend. Why? Because they latched onto a winner (this was before ND's decline).

Duke went through a similar process. After a few Final Fours and national titles, everyone in Buffalo was a Duke fan, or seemed to be at least. I wasn't; I could sense the evil that seeped from the pores of Coach Kryzssessdkwiervnmc,asasd##$ski. This was before I knew where Duke was, or who went to Duke, or why I logically shouldn't like them. I just knew. The stench of Satan was upon them.

Later I would move to North Carolina, go to school at UNCW, and live in Chapel Hill. I fell into the Tar Heel fan base, and I fell hard. There was something special about that team in 2002-03. The 19-16 squad showed flashes of the brilliance that would cut down the nets in 2005. And with this new UNC obsession fandom, it would be easy to hate Duke as the rival, as the spoiler. That's probably why many UNC fans can't stand them.

Let's get to the meat of my Blue Devil disdain. It's not the players; they are probably the ones I like the most over at Duke. They are, for the most part, less talented players (than UNC) who play very well as a team. Their intensity is typically quite high and, perhaps most importantly, they believe they can win. I don't hate them for that.

Mike Krzzzcwer,cnnbwerou::nnmski, while looking like a Blue Devil, is a very talented coach. Can't deny that. I may not like his constant bitching to the refs (you already get the majority of calls), but he always constructs a formidable, confident team out of players who probably won't do well in the NBA.

Finally, here it is, I hate the Duke students. I can't stand them. Living in Durham and Chapel Hill in the last few years has given me many chances to deal with these people on a regular basis. Duke is referred to as the University of New Jersey at Durham, and that is accurate. Many, possibly most of the student population hails from NY, NJ, and other Northeastern states. I have nothing against the Northeast, I did grow up there, but these aren't middle class kids. No, a quick peek at student parking proves what you already thought: these are the progeny of the wealthy. They are elitist, arrogant, rich little bastards. Many will acquire jobs purely through family connections, others will massage the alumni network for an entry into their field of choice. The lone upside is that Duke graduates are far less likely to remain in the area, thank god.

What do I hate about Duke? I hate seeing their student base going insane in Cameron Indoor. I see unity there, I see cooperation. I see exclusivity. It's a representation of the way they will continue to maintain the barriers; to gobble up the lion's share of the pie, not that they earn it, but because they feel entitled to life's spoils through fortunate birth. The basketball becomes part of the background, all I see is thousands of brats celebrating the genetic lottery. Duke is the epitome of "who you know" counting for more than "who you are". As a middle class kid raised on the idea of meritocracy, Duke is the dispelling of the myth. The proof. And I hate Duke.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Somewhere Only We Know?

This guy on American Idol just sang a Keane song. Another sign of the end days? That was actually entertaining...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Paleontologist is also a Creationist

The science world is all a titter with the outing of this apparent heretic, a phd candidate who studies paleontology and also takes a literal belief in scripture. And why shouldn't they be?

I feel bad for the guy...because he's an idiot. The Earth is 10k years old? And you wrote a 200 page paper on the abundance and spread of mosasaurs? One of these is clearly a work of fiction. Does either feature wizards or magical beings? Yep. Would either make for a blockbuster movie? Yep.

Now he teaches at Liberty University (Jerry Falwell's bastion of higher learning), where the Liberty University Locusts will take on the University of Phoenix Online Predators in the annual Fraudulent Degree Bowl. Isn't Liberty where the women aren't allowed to make eye contact with males (of any species)? Perhaps I'm thinking of Bob Jones University. Well, in any case, both institutions restrict women from thinking, wearing tight fitting undergarments, or menstruating.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Fox Business Channel will be pro-corporation?

The NYT reports that Fox's new business channel will be friendlier to corporations, according to big cheese Rupert Murdoch. Seriously? Friendlier to corporations?

Murdoch went so far as to say they'll be “more business friendly than CNBC” who apparently likes to “leap on every scandal." Finally the consumer of business media will have an alternative to the bra-burning radicals over at CNBC.

Fox is so clearly pro-government, pro-republican (the anti-govt party, btw), anti civil liberties, and pro-business, that this announcement only makes me wonder how much friendlier they can get.

Perhaps Neil Cavuto will be dispensing handjobs to the all those corporate troopers suffering under CNBC's tyrannical outing of financial impropriety.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


Un-fucking-believable. We lost to the bottom of the barrel, the scum of the conference. We (not me, I just watched) lost to fucking State. Classic look-ahead game; UNC was thinking about Duke, not the under-estimated Wolfpack.
So, State fans, we'll see you in March. Oh wait, you won't be there. Have fun in the NIT, if you get in. It's a long road up from where you are.
Yes, I'm really bitter about this.