Friday, July 22, 2005

Where the hell am I going?

Got my hat. Keys are in the ignition. And I'm not moving.

I've reached the crossroads of my life and it's crippled me. Not only can I not make the big decision, I can't seem to make any decisions. Perhaps if I choose nothing, then whatever happens can't be my fault. Innocent by abstinence.

I don't have to tell you how foolish this is. Not making choices doesn't stop time, no one offers a time-out, and that's apparently what I'm trying to do: bring it down.

I'm realizing how quickly life can run between your fingers. We're here for a disgustingly short amount of time, and I'm terrified of making choices that will waste a single minute. The irony, of course, is that I've wasted more than a few months in this holding pattern; too weak to step forward.

You'll point out that I got married, wasn't that a big step? It was an immense step, yet many times easier. It was right, I felt it. My instinct practically screamed that I needed to be her husband, and have her as my wife. Was that even a choice? Choice implies options. There were no options; I would have been miserable without her.

Now I'm making her miserable, and that won't stand. She sees the pain on my face, she sees the internal conflict that is bringing me down. She begins to wonder if I've lost confidence in her as well. I haven't.

The pain in my gut is real. Doctors don't know what to say. Despite repeated assurances that it is merely stress, I have to wonder. Did I do this to myself? The choices are endless.

Do we stay? Do we move? Do we go to school? Do we start a career? I don't know...the answers aren't clear, and they're not getting clearer anytime soon. Either way, I have an amazing friend and lover sitting on this bench seat with me and she's getting restless. It's time to put this thing in drive.


Anonymous said...

As a twenty-something in a similar position to yourself, I feel for you. I just got laid off from my first job out of college and I've spent the last month trying to figure out where I want to go next. But that's easier said than done. I've consulted with friends with more direction than I, prayed (if you're in to that sort of thing), and generally pondered what I should do with my life. That said, I've come to the conclusion that life must go on. Thus, if I'm not sure what to do, do something that will give you experience and that may spur ideas or feelings of what you may want to do next.

At least that's been my take on it. I think you're doing it right at least. You can see your errors and have the sense to address them. Most people feel unhappy or lost and sit in a whole for the rest of their lives. Working dead in jobs just enough to get by. As long as you get up and keep moving you'll be fine. The direction will come.

Brooks said...

I agree with you. Life will go on, with or without you. Stand up and start walking; you'll see what direction works best.

Despite all the glamour of having two incomes and no kids, the mid to late twenties is when you're expected to lay the foundation for a career, which means that I envy those who go into or come out of school knowing what's going to make them happy for the next fifty years. Growing up is compromise. Someone else said it was the process by which you give up your dreams, one at a time. A little too depressing for me.

Best of luck with the job search.