Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Did I ever think I'd be happy to see gas at $3.29 a gallon?

In a word, no. In two words, fuck no. I certainly knew that fuel costs would continue to escalate as time went on, but in my mind, that would be the price for a gallon of horse semen to fuel my sperm-propulsion hybrid hover car in the year 2028 (patent pending, obviously).

Is there a more abundant natural resource than sperm? Hell,"semen battallion" contains millions of soldiers, right? And most of them are alive and wagging their wavy little tails. Why can't we harness the power of all this collective tail wagging and cart our fat asses around?

You would never get stranded on the side of the highway when you can pull over and pump your own fuel. Critics might ask how this would benefit women; how do they get a fill up? I've got several methods you can employ that will guarantee enough 'gas' for that roadtrip to Aunt Luanne's. It would actually be easier for women. If a female pulls over to the side of the road, within seconds, fifteen men would pull over and race to be the first 'help' on the scene. Or, get a slutty friend and you'll always be on the road.

It might be harmful to public beauty to see every manner of asshole jacking off next to his gas tank along the side of the road, which is why we should tap into the animal sperm kingdom. It's an endlessly renewable resource. Seriously, invest now...because you don't want to miss out.


Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

I'm glad to see the word "fuck" in your post, because otherwise I would feel uncomfortable saying that it cost me FORTY FUCKING DOLLARS to fill up my tank yesterday. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD BY WITH FORTY BUCKS????? DO YOU????? (to the oil czars, not you)

Brooks said...

And why is it that you think I'm not an oil czar? You don't know me. I could be rich and wear that thing on my head with the little ropes that hold it in place and....fuck it, who am I kidding. I can't wear hats. And I'm not fabulously wealthy and I can't have people executed for making eye contact with my wife (though not for lack of trying).

If anyone needs me I'll be in the corner, weeping softly.