Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Monday is for Suckers

-And Virginia is for Losers.
-TRAFFIC!!!! Why me? I'm going to flip out. Yes, there is a back roads way, but it took an hour and a half as well. No relief in sight.
-Uneventful night. Karen spent some time doing internet research while I watched some Tivo'd Ali G show, Isle of Wight concert footage, and some HiDef documentary about bears. A varied palette.
-Interesting note of the day: our downstairs neighbor left us a note. Want to read it? Of course you do, you're a web voyeur reading about someone else's life.
Letter:
12:20 AM 5/14/05

Dear Karen + Michael,
Could you please help me out with something?

There is a hum that echos(sic) into my bedroom (the room in the back) and disturbs my sleep. It may be a computer modem, I don't know. Please, turn this off at night so my sleep will not be disturbed. Thank You. Also, the cats need to be kept out of that room from around 10PM on. I try to get quiet and sleep and they run, wrestle, play and use the litter box and this awakens me. Would it be possible to close the door so they can't get in during sleeping hours? Thank you so much for helping me with this.

A

Want to read my reply?

A,

Eat ass.
Although our cats are litter trained, they haven't quite mastered the art of "holding it" when deprived of their "gritty kitty playground." Moving the litter box out of that room poses a few challenges. In the kitchen? Not sanitary. In the dining area? I've lost my appetite. In the living room? Interferes with my social agenda. In the bedroom? See living room answer. As to the demonic hum from the computer, tough shit. We arrive home from work at 6:30 every evening and depart the next morning at 7. Between eating and sleeping, that leaves very little time for the rest of our lives. There is much to be accomplished in the span of a few hours every night, and the computer is necessary for almost all. Your 10 o'clock deadline is unrealistic. Get a helmet. We take measures to keep our noise at a minimum level, unlike the orphanage you seem to run at 8 o'clock on weekend mornings. Slamming doors, shrill cries, and the smell of gruel wipes out any chance we have to recoup on lost sleep. You have this house to yourself for 60 hours during the week and most Saturdays. If our office/2nd bedroom is to be used as daytime-only storage, kindly refund 25% of our rent. You don't work. Sleep in and leave us alone. If you expect Tranquil Pines Retirement Community, fucking move there already. God Bless

(Enclosed find a package of earplugs. Enjoy.)

1 comment:

Zach said...

First off, I'm not sure how you handle the traffic. My commute is a whopping 10 minutes each way. I would have gone 'office space' crazy a long time ago. Which you might be on the verge of, if so, by-gones.

Secondly, bravo on the letter. I lived in the first floor of a dorm a few years ago and the 4 largest guys in my class all happened to live in the same apartment. Every second of the day sounded like a pack of migrating rhinos. One time they asked me to turn down my music because they couldn't take a nap. Ridiculous.

Good luck and might I recommend saving for a helicopter?